Selfish?

Those who know me may describe me as generally positive person, quick to smile and offer warm words (I think, anyway) ... but not today.

I woke up at 5:30am as I have been for the past couple of weeks, not to go to the gym or to run like I had looked forward to in the past, but to get up and go to work.  I looked at the daily affirmation this early, dark, morning, "I love to get up in the morning and greet a new day," and said, "YEAH RIGHT!"

There was something about today ... maybe I was just in a bad mood ... the whole osteoporosis thing is gnawing at me, hitting me in weird ways.  Being non-weight bearing, getting around work -- rushing around, mind you -- is just getting old.  The jokes and comments are getting old.  I understand and appreciate everyone's concern about me.  To be truthful, I'm sure it's more curiosity.  Look at that scooter!  Scooter boy!  How much longer do you have to be on that thing?

It's not their fault.  They're curious.  I'm just getting tired of everything.

I know there are worse things, and many people are dealing with worse illnesses and circumstances.

I'm guessing others would be jealous of my circumstance:

 Heck, I'm married to a wonderful, beautiful, and loving wife, have an awesome healthy son, have a great career which pays well, own and live in my dream home in a great community ... and look, even with all of this I'm just so focused on running again.  But now what?  I get hit with this osteoporosis diagnosis and all of a sudden I'm living in uncertainty and doubt.

But full confession, I'm jealous of others:

When I see runners outside, I get jealous.  Whenever I drive past my old running routes, the reservoir, or whatever, I wish I was there.  When I look on Facebook and see other runners' posting pics of recent races, or PR's, I get jealous, and I get frustrated to no end to see that my own PR's weren't that bad.  I don't think I was bad for a 39 year old beginner/recreational runner, or at least a less-than-one-year runner.

5k PR: 23:48, 7:40 pace (official)
Half marathon PR (in training): 2:04:23, 9:30pace

Not by any means elite, and still a ways to go from the front corrals, but, hey, I think I could hang with an average 39 year old recreational runner.

 But hey, I really enjoy (enjoyED?) running.  It gave me joy, made me feel good.

I'll be getting some bloodwork (testosterone level) done tomorrow, will see my orthopedic podiatrist on Wednesday, and an endocrinologist on Friday.

In the meantime, I'm free to speculate, read, worry (or not), or whatever.  I did read that beers have the OSA form of silicon, which is bone building, especially the India Pale Ale kind!!

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/healthnews/7168666/Beer-boosts-bones-and-fends-off-osteoporosis.html

So hey, why not?  I just enjoyed a Founders Centenial IPA:

So, we'll see.  So many thoughts all at once, so many things to figure out ...
Why do I have osteoporosis?  Not sure if I want a reason or not ... hopefully it's correctable, hopefully it's curable ... I want to run ...Can I run again?  Will I be able to run again?  How about walking?  yeah, I can walk ... bought Chi Walking, I'll look at that, we'll see ... oh man I have the Allstate 13.1 Half Marathon in March! I can walk that, right?  Can I train in that short of time?  Wait, what the hell?  I'm still nonweighbearing!!  I'm so selfish.  But c'mon, I want to run.  There are a bunch of runners with osteoporosis that I see online.  I can be like them, right?!?!  God, just slow down.  Why, oh why, do I want to run so much.

Wait.

Why do I want to run?  Why do I want to run a marathon?  And the GOOFY for God's sakes?  Why?

Selfish?  Well ... because it will make me feel good.  And isn't that what we all really want?